Category Archives: writing

Dental Woes

Today’s blog is in support of mental health awareness month!  I recently went to the dentist to get a crown.  I have a love/hate relationship with dentists.  I love to have my teeth looking nice and shiny but I know over the years I have had very poor dental care.  Some of my dental problems stem from neglect growing up that continued into my adulthood.  I also didn’t care for my teeth because I was not always mentally aware that I even needed to!  I was very severely mentally ill for a while.  I took Wellbutrin, Zoloft or others, Zyprexa or other antipsychotics, Adderall and Armour thyroid.  I was on some heavy duty medications!   I had a steady cocktail of psychotropics that involved two antidepressants, an antipsychotic, a stimulant and my thyroid medication.  I was like a zombie basically.

When I went to the dentist, it always because I was in some dental pain, I would not intentionally seek out dental care otherwise.   On all of the forms, at the dentist office, they ask if you are now or ever been treated for a psychiatric disorder.  I always answered truthfully.  I could never figure out why they needed to know this.  They even asked if you had ever been in a psychiatric hospital.  Why do they need to know this?  What difference does it make?  I need my teeth fixed.  They’d even want to know the dates you were hospitalized.  I was always a bit embarrassed to admit all the meds I was taking and the different hospitalizations.

There came a time, when I was no longer on psychotropic medications.  I was healing.  I didn’t need them anymore.  I didn’t even have a psychiatrist.  I was still in therapy but I was well into recovery.  I had some dental pain so I scheduled a dental appointment.  I didn’t have a regular dentist so I had to call around to find one on my plan who could see me ASAP.  I found one, they took the xrays and assessed what was going on in my mouth.  I needed a lot of work done and I was in horrific pain.

However, the dentist saw that I had been a psychiatric patient.  She asked about why I wasn’t on medications.  I told her I didn’t need them anymore.  She said I had to get clearance from a psychiatrist before I could have the dental work done.  I was beside myself.  I told her I didn’t even have a psychiatrist, and sometimes it can take more than a month to get in with one!  She informed me there’s a special place for people like me to get dental help.   People like me?  People with former mental illness or someone you think is not in their right mind because they have a history of mental illness?

I still get sad when I recall this story because this is the plight of people with mental illness.  They get looked at funny or judged and misunderstood.  People with a mental illness are still people, they are worthy of dignity and respect from all health care providers.   No matter what healing modality you are serving, remember these people are special, they are sensitive, and need your services.  I went to another dentist.  I also found a psychiatrist who gave me clearance for the dental treatment.  She did offer an anxiety medication that is commonly prescribed for people, whether they have mental illness or not, who fear seeing the dentist.

Believe it or not, I do not have major depression with psychotic features anymore.  I do not have post traumatic disorder anymore.  People do heal.   There’s no reason to treat someone as if they are going to be mentally ill for the rest of their lives just because they had a mental illness at one time.  Even if I did have a mental illness, there’s no reason to treat me like I’m a freak, or crazy, or like I’m just a lost cause.  I healed.

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What We All Want

I was standing in my kitchen, sipping on a fresh cup of coffee, when I glanced outside my kitchen window.  I saw my two granddaughters outside laughing and swinging.  I smiled and went outside to have a closer look.  The lawn had been recently mowed and looking fresh.  However, I couldn’t help but notice the dog had recently done his business!  So I got the doggy doodie tools and went to pick it up.  I noticed a couple of others.  I just wanted my grandkids to play in safety without slipping or falling in dog poop!   Just wanted them to have a grand time and not worry about getting poop on their shoes.  I wanted their play experience to be pleasant, even though there’s the occasional fall or cry when someone’s feelings get hurt.  I am well aware of the little trauma moments that children can experience.

As I went around the yard, making sure it was clean, I thought about the recent fear of my granddaughter going to school.  I worry that she could be caught in the crossfire of someone’s shooting spree.  I thought, what has this world come to?  What are we doing to our kids?  Why is everyone so sad, angry and stressed out?

Learning is supposed to be fun!  I remember teaching my kids to use a crayon because it was fun to color a picture.  I remember teaching them to hold a rattle in their hands so they could hear the funny sound.  I remember giving them different toys to see what they would do with it.  Yes, naturally they progressed but still the best learning atmosphere is one of fun, lightness and curiosity.  These children nowadays aren’t having fun!  They are worried for their lives.  They are worried about stresses that they should never ever have to experience.  Let’s not forget adults also work in toxic, stressful and competitive work environments.

Why have we forgotten the meaning of life?  Why have we forgotten to have fun?   Why have we forgotten to laugh at the silly worries of life?   Life can be serious, but the seriousness should not permeate our hearts and souls.  We should be able to relax, knowing that we are safe from harm.  We’re safe from bullying, and we’re safe to be ourselves.  We’re not under judgment, condemnation or an unfair grading system.

The goal in school is not to produce human working machines, but happy and confident young adults who can stand on their own two feet, make tough decisions, and create a life of meaning for themselves.    In order to do this, we must change the environment of our schools, homes, work, and institutions.  It’s not enough to recognize when someone is having a problem, it’s important to intentionally raise our children to be sensitive, mindful, compassionate, and caring human beings, not in competition with one another.    The quality of our lives depends on it.  We all want to live happy lives.  We all want to live in safety and security, but not at the expense of another!  Remember to love one another.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.  It is very simple.

We can do so much better.  We can create the life we want for our children, and future generations.  It starts now with consciously choosing to be the difference, to be the peace, to be the love and compassion we all need right now.   It starts by living from the heart.  The heart knows the way.   Let your heart direct your thoughts and actions to love one another.   Just be love.

Love for Every day

A lot people wait until they’re death bed to finally forgive and let go.   They wait until they’ve been given their last few months and go out to make amends with people, get their affairs in order, tell everyone who is important to them how much they love them.    I wonder what would I do if I was told that it was my last year, my last month, my last hour, or last minutes.  What would I do?  I’ve lived sort of a full life.  I don’t exactly recall anyone I need to go and forgive or someone to go love.  I have strived to live every day as if it were my last one.

So I’m going to ask you, what are you waiting for?  What did you always want to go do?  Who do you need to call?  Who do you want to reconcile with?  What was that argument you had which ripped your relationships apart?  Could you do it?  Is it important to you?  Do you absolutely love your life and the people who are in it?   Is there someone to invite over?

This is not a fearmongering or doomsday type message.  It’s simply your wake up call.  It’s your permission to go and do what is meaningful and important to you (so long as it doesn’t infringe upon anyone’s right to pursue love, liberty and happiness.)   I’m serious here!  It’s okay to call someone I hurt and say, “ I’m sorry for my actions or inaction.”  It’s really okay to take personal responsibility.  It’s okay to say, “Can we start over?  Can we try again?”  It’s okay to say, “I was wrong, please forgive me!”  It’s okay to say, “I forgive you, I love you, whatever it was doesn’t matter right now today!”   It’s okay to say, “I’m sorry for the words I spoke.  I’m sorry I judged you.  I’m sorry I let trivial things get in the way.”

See how easy it is?  See how easy it is to love your self and then love others?  See how simple the process could be?  Maybe the other person won’t be ready to forgive or move on, but that’s a reflection of them, and not on you.  We can all stop with the guilt and shaming of ourselves and others in the name of being right or whatever you want to call it.  I’m telling you, my dear, when the final curtain drops and the lights go out, some things in this life just won’t matter.  What are you making a big deal of right now that won’t matter when this life is done?  Go ahead and fix it now.  Fix it for love’s sake.  Fix it for compassion sake.  Fix it because you really want to.  Fix it because you are ready to move on to other things.  Fix it for no reason, but because you can!

Love is always ready to love again.  Love is always ready to forgive.  Love is compassion.  Love is forgiving.  Love is getting up and trying again.  Love patiently waits and willingly forgives.  Go ahead and give out that compassion, forgiveness and love like candy!  Just pass it out and give it away to those who matter to you.  Give it to the brokenhearted and those in need.  Give it freely from your heart.  Love is always standing by to love some more.  Love is the answer.  Love yourself.  Love your life.  Love is the most important thing.   In the end, only love remains.

What I Believe

A while ago, a fan asked me about my testimony. I was somewhat reluctant to share any information about a testimony. I had one and then I decided it was no longer relevant to me or my current belief system. Many years ago, a family member came to me and informed me that God does not give unconditional love. I was a bit annoyed with her at the time. I know she was trying to strike a conversation with me, but coming at me with this was a bit much. I already knew what I believed about God, yet, here she was trying to get me to think of God in a different way. I had way too many people trying to influence my belief systems.
So I decided I just didn’t believe any of it. Despite that I had made statements of faith before, I just didn’t want to go through the hassle of working out my faith, and I didn’t want to wade through the beliefs of others. I didn’t want to be engaged in these senseless conversations. So God doesn’t give unconditonal love, what use is this God to me then? I went 27 years believing in the bliblical version of God. I staked my life on the Bible. I believed with my whole heart, mind and soul that God was real, that Jesus had died for my sins, and saved me from eternal damnation.
Slowly, I made decisions to question every one of my beliefs. I was scared but not of God but from people. I didn’t think God cared one way or the other whether I questioned my beliefs in Him. It’s the people who care and would be concerned for my soul! Yet who are these people to tell me who God is? Who are they to try to influence my beliefs? Isn’t God big enough to do this? Isn’t God strong enough? Isn’t God, God enough to reveal him/herself to me?
My testimony today is that I believe God is love and doesn’t need the modifier of “unconditional” love. I believe God is an energy and is neither male or female or perhaps is both. I do not embrace the biblical view of God. However, I am somewhat of an omnist. Furthermore, I believe none of us have an accurate view or understanding of the energy or entity called God. I also believe some are aware of the consciousness called God and some are not.   Realize I’m not dogmatic about any of these ideas.
Believing in God doesn’t make anyone a better person. It’s our own life choices, the things we do, our capacity for love, compassion, and forgiveness. My spirituality today involves self-love, self-respect, honesty, integrity, and authenticity along with compassion and forgiveness towards others. I strive to follow the Golden Rule which says to treat others the way I want to be treated.  In summary, love is my religion.

Zombie’s Hunger For Life!

I really try not to think about zombies but every now and then I see them on TV.  The zombie anomaly is very strange. Then one day I got to thinking deeply about it. I do think about things very deeply. Lol. It troubles me that this person who was dead not too long ago reanimates itself. In my opinion, it doesn’t come back to life. It simply muscle and tissues that have some knee jerk desire to seek out human flesh and blood. It has an insatiable appetite. It’s not really feeding itself, but what is it doing? I don’t think it’s really hungry. If it is hungry, it’s hungry for life! It’s hungry for what all of us who are living and breathing and have blood flowing through our veins, which has a consciousness. Zombies do not have a consciousness. They are not not deliberately
feeding on people. They’re not consciously choosing because if they were, they wouldn’t eat me and they’d go sit in a corner or something when done eating. No, instead, they just go look for their next live person or animal to eat.

This all got me thinking about my own life. Am I living consciously? Am I eating consciously? Do I live intentionally? What am I doing or not doing that I want to change? Am I happy with how my life has turned out? I think about these things but zombies don’t. These zombie creatures are hungry for the blood of life! What am I doing with my own blood? Am I experiencing life in all of it’s fullness, beauty, and glory? Or am I just following a knee jerk script that the world says I should be doing? I am a conscious person. I’m alive! I’m breathing! I can play! I can work! I can dance! I can eat when I want! I can sleep when I’m tired! I can daydream any time I want! I can love and be loved! I’m not a mindless machine, I have a soul, a heart and ability to choose. Today, my soul consciously choose love, peace, and harmony for myself and the world.

Seasons Change

I keep going back to the turning points in my life. I turn a corner and I realize there’s yet another corner to turn! I build my momentum and excitement to get to the next corner. Sometimes there’s a huge celebration, other times, I’m thinking, “why did I bother?” Every time I think I’m enlightened, I realize there’s more enlightenment or levels of awareness. Lol. Then I realize, I know nothing about enlightenment!

I’m just very excited. I’m excited about all the twists and turns my life has taken. I’m excited because I was stuck in a downward spiral and now I’m just constantly going upward and just when I think I can’t go any higher, I’m lifted even higher! I seem to be constantly gauging my reactions to the stimuli that life presents to me. I wonder if I’m over reacting, overly excitement, or if I’m not excited enough. I’m naturally analytical and introspective mostly towards myself and the things I’m engaging with in my life.

There have been some very defining moments in my life when everything changed. I’m talking about changing from someone who took numerous psychotropics to none; someone who was very depressed, psychotic, and suffering with post traumatic stress disorder. I have recently discovered that most of the changes in my life, although they came about from a specific catalyst, the biggest factor that took me to a mentally healthier version of me, was letting go of fears. I let go of the fears of the unknown. I stopped worrying about what others would think. I stopped worrying about being judged. I stopped wondering what if something went wrong and instead dreamed about things going right. I stopped the fearful thoughts that swirled around and around in my head. They certainly weren’t working for me!

I also decided to believe change is possible. I decided to bet on me. I decided to try anything and everything to radically switch the direction of my life instead of going with the same old status quo. There really are seasons of our lives. It’s important to recognize what season I’m in, in order to switch between seasons with grace and ease, and fearlessly. It’s nice to add a bit of inquisitiveness. What is around the corner? What is just around the river bend? Where is the bend in the road leading me to? Can I just peek a little bit as I hurry over there? I’m not afraid, simply because I’ve turned so many corners, despite sometimes not even knowing what to expect (although I did expect something good, at least).

The biggest factor which effected the direction I took, as the seasons changed, was questioning my fears, my self talk, and fear mongering. I especially like to question when someone else tries to tell me what is best for me. I definitely question prolific fear mongering in all of it’s forms. Pretty soon here, I’m going to start a rant about fear mongering. The biggest fear mongering that annoys me is the fear of judgement. I will be the first to admit that I used to be very fearful of judgement, especially judgment from God. However, I don’t live with this fear anymore. It was a very long season of my life, in which I feared judgement from God. However, the season has changed. I am happier and freer since I let go of this fear and many other fears. Every now and then, someone will do a little bit of fear mongering to suck me back into it, by telling me that God’s going to come judge me, but I don’t buy into it.

The final indication of the season changing is that I’m willing to write and talk about letting go of fears! I no longer fear what people will say about my changing my mind about fears. I changed my mind about God’s judgment. It’s a brand new season! This is a huge step because it’s sort of the precursor to another book I’ve been writing. The message here, right now, is that people change their minds about things, their beliefs and their ideas, and it’s totally okay! It’s okay to question my beliefs. It’s okay to say, “That sounds like bullshit!” I used to be afraid to question things, and I loathed myself.  Now, I love myself and I allow myself to have different beliefs than others. It’s about being true to me and what works for me. I live from the heart. I ask myself, “what would love to do?” I do this because I personally believe, love is the answer.   Seasons change.

Beauty of Hindsight

I don’t know how many times I have wondered, “Why did this happen to me?” I don’t know how many times I wondered why I was let go or dismissed. I thought I had done everything right and followed all the rules. I put my best foot forward, I was nice, polite, and “something else”! Yet things didn’t go as planned! What I’ve learned is many people learn their lessons in hindsight. After all, if I’d known a relationship wouldn’t pan out, maybe I never would have started it. If I had known the job wasn’t a good fit, I wouldn’t have tried it and left. Perhaps it was meant to go that way to teach me a lesson! Not many of us have the right perceptions in order to avoid seemingly “disastrous outcomes.” Yet, I believe all of these experiences are life lessons.

However, it usually takes a long time to learn the lesson when I’m resisting it. Like many years ago, I was very depressed and hurt at the way my life was going and the relationships not working out. I wondered what I had done wrong. I didn’t feel like I had done anything wrong. The more I pondered it, the more I wanted an answer, the more I stewed and couldn’t let it go. This is where the danger of falling into depression and being unable to cope comes in. Yes there were many other factors, but at the time I didn’t know how to just let go. I didn’t have the life skills, yet this exact situation was teaching them to me! Resisting, and insisting on answers caused me to lose the lesson until many years after I had finally moved on, and one day I had an “aha” moment of revelation!

I often ask myself now, when things seem to be going awry, “what is this situation trying to teach me?” Sometimes, it’s apparent and other times I need to wait. When I’m stuck in the middle of something, it’s hard to see where it’s going, and what I’m being taught. I’ve learned to be patient, compassionate, forgiving, and loving with myself so that I can continue to function and breathe without spiraling down. This in turn empowers me to give others patience, compassion, forgiveness, love and grace when they’re going through their own struggles. Once I figured out that I learn things in hindsight, I was able to love, forgive and move on.

Resistance slows the process! I had to learn to go with the flow! It takes patience, wisdom and trust in yourself, that you’re going to okay.  As I look back on my life, I see I have overcome so much, and I’m grateful for the beauty of hindsight!

Judgment and Criticism

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Recently, I was receiving negative comments on a post I made in a social group. I was getting all of this negative feedback, judgement, and criticism. None of them knew, I had already felt badly about it. I had already judged myself harshly. I also had already forgiven myself, and let it go. Therefore, I deleted my post. I was not there to be a receptacle of negative comments. I didn’t deserve any of them. None of us do!  I am not for public shaming, and criticizing people’s life choices. I believe in compassion, forgiveness and acceptance. I am going to continue sharing my truth and writing my stories, but the intent is always to inspire, to share information, and to lift people up. It is never ever to tear anyone down. I also don’t believe anyone on this earth has the right to judge another person for their life choices. Everyone’s journey and choices will be different. I’m still going to use my authentic voice. I’m still perfectly imperfect!. I love myself. The negative comments were a learning point of what some people are able to process and receive.   To be clear, I am guilt free, I am free of shame, I am free of judgment. Whatever endeavor you find yourself, keep yourself clean and untainted from the judgments of others! Don’t let it spoil you or dim your light, or discourage you from sharing your truth. Keep writing, singing, dancing, working, creating or
wherever your heart leads you to do!  Be authentically you!

Overcome Fear With Love

I’ve been working on a new book. Lots of people are writing books these days. I think more people write fiction books than nonfiction or personal memoirs. I write personal stories about my life, healing, and wisdom. I think I’m pretty good but I know not everyone is not interested in this. Anyway, most of my writings are little nuggets of truth I’ve learned along the way that I use to inspire others to think differently about life and issues in general. I don’t cover everything because I choose what I’m going to focus on.

I keep hitting blocks in my writing. I am so passionate about my subject so why doesn’t it just come? Well actually it does, I believe it’s just fear. Fear of what are people going to say or not say. Not that what others say is going to matter. It’s just a matter of principle we tend to care more about what others will say or do, and it stops us from living our dreams.

Fears keep us stuck. I wrote about overcoming fear with love in my first book, Dear Sophia Love Yourself! I really have to love my subject and my message in order to get out of this fear. I really love writing and sharing with the world, but I have the occasional fears, too.

My new book is about the metaphysical world, positive energy, meditation, crystals, angels, energy healing, and how I learned about it all. It’s a fascinating field, but I know it’s not really understood by those who are not into it. I am not an expert on the subject, I am just writing about my experiences. What I really want people to know about the metaphysical world is that it’s not crazy. It’s not quackery. It’s not dark, demonic or witchcraft, even though some might perceive it that way out of fear. Even more so is my wish for everyone to know that positive energy is wonderful and can do amazing things in your life.

I was just telling someone yesterday that crystals are out there shining and glimmering in the light. They don’t hide anything. When I look at them in the light, I can’t help but see my own issues. I can’t help but notice what needs to be seen and where acceptance, forgiveness, release, and adjustments could be made in order to improve my life. I am not afraid to look in the mirror and acknowledge my flaws, but also to see my inner beauty, and shine my light. I have overcome many fears. When a light is shined upon your life, it’s to heal, it’s to take you to the next level, it’s to create something new in your life by releasing the old, or whatever it may be. It’s nothing to be feared.

Fear is paralyzing and keeps us stuck in the past, in our pain, and from moving forward. Love overcomes fear. Love is the answer. Fear cannot dwell in the space of love. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Don’t let fear drown out your dreams and ambitions. Allow love to flow freely by releasing fear.

Letting Go of 2016

This is my last blog post of the year.  The end of the year is here! I find myself reflecting on all that transpired over the past 365 days. I laugh and I cry as I remember. I had many ups and downs and turn arounds. I released old fears, out dated beliefs, and habits. I’ve striven to live in peace with all and when I couldn’t, I prayed, meditated and reflected on my part. I gave the best from my heart. Where I failed, I apologized, and I forgave myself.

I’m taking the opportunity now to release all that no longer supports my personal and spiritual growth. Letting go is really easy!  Forgiving myself for my mistakes is very easy!  Giving myself the grace and compassion to let go of all the obstacles that have been in my way is easy peasy!As of now, I affirm, I  let go of the old and bring in the new. I let go of anger, hate and bitterness. I let go of unforgiveness and criticism. I let go of shame, doubt, fear mongering, and guilt.

I am free and clear of all people, energies, and items that no longer serve my highest good. I release the old and welcome the new! It’s a brand new day. I choose to live without the fear of the unknown.   I receive the health, love, success, and positive opportunities coming my way in 2017.  I give myself compassion as much as I give to others.  I give love to myself as I would give to another.   I live in peace, love and harmony with all of creation. I love myself!

I chose the featured song because I believe we are all innocent…Shine on!!!