Tag Archives: #childabuse

Unwanted Birth

Warning, this post may be triggering to some.

It’s my turn to speak for the unwanted birth of a child. I struggled to tell this story. It’s not a pleasant one. Many years ago, when I was 12, I’m 52 years old now, a man broke into our apartment and raped me and my mother. I was already traumatized. I had already experienced every form of abuse. I already had dissociative identity disorder. I was pretty fucked up at the time. Still, even though I blocked it with dissociation, I would relive this moment and many other moments of sexual abuse and molestation over and over and over again. Out of this rape, my mother was impregnated. She already had five children, two at home. She did have a 6th child many years before this, but he died from SIDS. However, my mother didn’t want to keep the child from the rape, so she had it aborted.

For most of my life, until I started healing, I wondered why I was born. I desperately wanted to die. I suffered so much, I wished my mother had aborted me. Anyone ever feel that way? Life hurts so bad, you’ve been through so much shit, you wish you had never been born? I know many people do. I tried to commit suicide many times. I was a mess. My mother had schizophrenia. I don’t mean it like the people who nonchalantly call someone crazy because they’re different. I don’t mean it like when people say, “that’s so schizophrenic” which I find insulting. No, she seriously had schizophrenia.

For the people who say, God doesn’t condone the taking of a life, well God doesn’t condone rape, abuse, molestation of a child or any other thing children are subjected to, yet it’s done! Something else, I need to say is God is not in it. God’s not in the rape, or the molestation, and God’s not in the abortion. God’s not in it at all. So leave these women and children alone and let them do what they want with their own bodies! On a side note, the church doesn’t need more children to abuse! Society doesn’t need more throw away children to mess up their heads, to use, abuse, and exploit their minds, bodies, and souls.

I have healed from my own wounds, I have been empowered, I am on the other side of my years of mental illness, just to let you all know that it’s a woman right what she does with her body. Oh, God wasn’t in my sickness, and wasn’t in my healing either. Don’t make this about god because it isn’t. It’s about a woman’s right to choose. My mother, she was very sick, i went through a lot of heart ache with her, and not bringing another unwanted child in this world, was the most sane thing she could ever do.

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The Good Years Outnumber The Bad Years

Many years ago, a good friend told me, “Sophia, someday, your good years are going to outnumber the bad years.” I had no idea what it would look like but I looked forward to the day. The measure for me was that the first 18 years of my life were hell, so I figured after I turned 36, they would start to get better. However, by then, I had full blown major depression and PTSD, and there didn’t seem to be any end in sight. It took me many more years of healing before I finally saw the good years outnumber the bad ones. Sometimes I lost hope, and I forgot about what she said. I just didn’t even want to try anymore. I’d give up, but then a spark of hope would get me going again.

During those years of trying to overcome my past, I had no idea what I was reaching for. I thought maybe I just didn’t want to be depressed. I didn’t know what true happiness looked like. I thought maybe I didn’t want PTSD but I didn’t know what exactly was the alternative? When you have been living with a condition for a long time, it can easily seem like it’s been this way since forever and it’s never going to end. Time doesn’t really heal all wounds, but after a while, our perspectives do change, for better or worse. No one really knows what another person is going through unless they’ve been exactly in the same place and feel the exact same way. We all do have pain and suffering in common but everyone deals with their issues from their points of view, their own life experiences, and sometimes other people just cannot go there with us.

This is why it’s important to let love, compassion, and patience be your guide with loved ones if they’re going through something that you don’t understand, or you think they should be able to snap out of it. It took me decades to reach the other side or to finally get to the point where my good years did in fact outnumber the bad years. Have a little faith and trust in the process. Eventually, I did heal from my past, the depression, and PTSD, too.  For years, I took different psychotropics to manage my illnesses.  I no longer take any medications except one for an underactive thyroid.

Sometimes you’ll have a bad moment, but don’t think it’s going to last.  Or it could be a bad week, month, year, or even a decade or two.   Life really does change.  People do change.  Don’t ever give up. Keep hope alive.   Love yourself!