Tag Archives: God

Unwanted Birth

Warning, this post may be triggering to some.

It’s my turn to speak for the unwanted birth of a child. I struggled to tell this story. It’s not a pleasant one. Many years ago, when I was 12, I’m 52 years old now, a man broke into our apartment and raped me and my mother. I was already traumatized. I had already experienced every form of abuse. I already had dissociative identity disorder. I was pretty fucked up at the time. Still, even though I blocked it with dissociation, I would relive this moment and many other moments of sexual abuse and molestation over and over and over again. Out of this rape, my mother was impregnated. She already had five children, two at home. She did have a 6th child many years before this, but he died from SIDS. However, my mother didn’t want to keep the child from the rape, so she had it aborted.

For most of my life, until I started healing, I wondered why I was born. I desperately wanted to die. I suffered so much, I wished my mother had aborted me. Anyone ever feel that way? Life hurts so bad, you’ve been through so much shit, you wish you had never been born? I know many people do. I tried to commit suicide many times. I was a mess. My mother had schizophrenia. I don’t mean it like the people who nonchalantly call someone crazy because they’re different. I don’t mean it like when people say, “that’s so schizophrenic” which I find insulting. No, she seriously had schizophrenia.

For the people who say, God doesn’t condone the taking of a life, well God doesn’t condone rape, abuse, molestation of a child or any other thing children are subjected to, yet it’s done! Something else, I need to say is God is not in it. God’s not in the rape, or the molestation, and God’s not in the abortion. God’s not in it at all. So leave these women and children alone and let them do what they want with their own bodies! On a side note, the church doesn’t need more children to abuse! Society doesn’t need more throw away children to mess up their heads, to use, abuse, and exploit their minds, bodies, and souls.

I have healed from my own wounds, I have been empowered, I am on the other side of my years of mental illness, just to let you all know that it’s a woman right what she does with her body. Oh, God wasn’t in my sickness, and wasn’t in my healing either. Don’t make this about god because it isn’t. It’s about a woman’s right to choose. My mother, she was very sick, i went through a lot of heart ache with her, and not bringing another unwanted child in this world, was the most sane thing she could ever do.

Advertisements

What I Believe

A while ago, a fan asked me about my testimony. I was somewhat reluctant to share any information about a testimony. I had one and then I decided it was no longer relevant to me or my current belief system. Many years ago, a family member came to me and informed me that God does not give unconditional love. I was a bit annoyed with her at the time. I know she was trying to strike a conversation with me, but coming at me with this was a bit much. I already knew what I believed about God, yet, here she was trying to get me to think of God in a different way. I had way too many people trying to influence my belief systems.
So I decided I just didn’t believe any of it. Despite that I had made statements of faith before, I just didn’t want to go through the hassle of working out my faith, and I didn’t want to wade through the beliefs of others. I didn’t want to be engaged in these senseless conversations. So God doesn’t give unconditonal love, what use is this God to me then? I went 27 years believing in the bliblical version of God. I staked my life on the Bible. I believed with my whole heart, mind and soul that God was real, that Jesus had died for my sins, and saved me from eternal damnation.
Slowly, I made decisions to question every one of my beliefs. I was scared but not of God but from people. I didn’t think God cared one way or the other whether I questioned my beliefs in Him. It’s the people who care and would be concerned for my soul! Yet who are these people to tell me who God is? Who are they to try to influence my beliefs? Isn’t God big enough to do this? Isn’t God strong enough? Isn’t God, God enough to reveal him/herself to me?
My testimony today is that I believe God is love and doesn’t need the modifier of “unconditional” love. I believe God is an energy and is neither male or female or perhaps is both. I do not embrace the biblical view of God. However, I am somewhat of an omnist. Furthermore, I believe none of us have an accurate view or understanding of the energy or entity called God. I also believe some are aware of the consciousness called God and some are not.¬† ¬†Realize I’m not dogmatic about any of these ideas.
Believing in God doesn’t make anyone a better person. It’s our own life choices, the things we do, our capacity for love, compassion, and forgiveness. My spirituality today involves self-love, self-respect, honesty, integrity, and authenticity along with compassion and forgiveness towards others. I strive to follow the Golden Rule which says to treat others the way I want to be treated.¬† In summary, love is my religion.

Spiritual Bullies

This week, I’m going to focus my posts on bullies. This one is about spiritual bullies. I’ve had many encounters with bullies but this one I find notorious. Many spiritual bullies do it with good intention, but it’s way off. I do not like being told God loves me, but if I don’t obey Him, then I’m going to hell someday. I do not like being judged by other people who claim to speak for God, or use the Bible, and other texts to fear monger. I’m not anti-Bible, nor anti-Christian, but I am not for people who have used the name of God to abuse people, and cause pain.

In my own life, I had to leave the church in order to realize that God, Goddess, or Universe actually does love me. I do believe God or someone created the world. However, I do not believe in all the interpretations people have for the bible and other sacred texts. I do not believe the dogmatic doctrine many churches insist upon.

In my early 20s, I was teaching a bible study about the holy spirit from a book I got from a book store. A person came up to me and told me I was teaching false doctrine. I had bought the book at a Christian book store. I was using the Bible, what’s the problem? Apparently, many pastors didn’t believe in this particular doctrine. How was I supposed to know? It was in a Christian book store! This is one of my points. There are many interpretations for scriptures and the people do not agree upon what is truth. Not only that, but some judged me as a nonChristian because I didn’t have certain spiritual gifts. This made me very sad.

So after years of being in the church, one day, I just decided, I must not be one of them! I don’t think like them. I don’t believe like them. I don’t see God as they do. I must not be one of them! Aha! No wonder I don’t belong there! There are many people in the United States and around the world who absolutely do not agree with the church’s stance on issues, yet, the church continues to act like they have some sort of spiritual authority over other people’s lives.

People are allowed to live their lives and not agree with your interpretations. They are allowed to make their own choices even if you don’t like them! And let’s be clear, I don’t mind believers having their beliefs, but I do mind someone insisting I believe as they do. I love my life. I strive everyday to live in peace with every person, every living creature, and the planet. I love myself. I love other people. I believe in the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness. I do not attempt to thwart someone else’s beliefs.

The most heartbreaking aspect of this, is that people are afraid to speak up. They don’t want to be ostracized, judged, or shamed and so they suffer in silence. They don’t dare disagree with their pastor or make waves. Meanwhile, they’re very unhappy with their church or simply go somewhere else, never finding what they’re looking for because the doctrine or something is always a little bit off. They know what will happen if they speak up because it’s been done before. This type of behavior, of not allowing people to speak up and question things, causes people to live passive and disempowered lives. People go along with the mainstream because they don’t want to be judged. They follow the masses not realizing it’s leading to their destruction.

In my own life, the answer was just to come away from it all. I was very sad at first, but now I feel free and liberated. I don’t miss going to church hearing messages of hell and eternal damnation. I don’t miss being judged or misunderstood. I don’t miss gossip, hypocrisy, and pretending everyone is “happy in Jesus” when they’re not. I’m happy living in the world where people celebrate one another instead of separating because of differences. I believe the Universe loves all people equally, and does not judge our lives. Love is love. Love is the greatest power in the Universe. The bullies in church would have us believe otherwise. Nope, I don’t think so. I have a right to believe what I choose to believe. I don’t need anyone’s approval. I approve of me! I love me!! Love and peace.