From a very young age, I’ve always loved the written word. I loved to read and I could not get enough of it. No one had to tell me to read, in fact, no one did. I just enjoyed getting caught up in an adventure. I was a very lonely and shy child. We moved around, a lot. I rarely went to the same school each year. When I went to a new school, I had to take tests to see which grade to put me in since I didn’t have records. I also had to get new immune shots for every new school as we didn’t have those records either! I was a very sensitive child, and I hated those needles. I cried every single time. We were poor so I didn’t have very many of my own books other than what the school gave me. My life was very traumatic and so I just used reading to escape from it. For many years, I really didn’t talk a lot about the trauma because it made many people feel uncomfortable. I learned to keep my mouth shut which was not a very empowering choice.
I needed to tell my story. For the most part, I learned to talk about my trauma in therapy or with very close friends. My story really isn’t meant for everyone but I now know it was not good to shut down around people. I walked around with a general feeling of rejection and self loathing because I didn’t feel accepted. I didn’t realize this wasn’t true, I simply had shut down because some people didn’t like my stories. Not everyone would have rejected me telling the stories. Sometimes people didn’t want to hear them simply because they couldn’t accept another version of reality, they could not comprehend why I hurt so badly.
At some point, I learned to write my feelings down. I didn’t dare share the writings with anyone. What would happen if anyone knew what I was really thinking or feeling?? My thoughts were private and hidden. I felt better getting it out though. Writing is a very powerful tool for people who especially have a hard time expressing themselves. I didn’t talk much but I sure could write. Now that I’m on the other side of my healing, I did learn to effectively share my experiences in therapy, I am able to talk about whatever. I am able to share with others without breaking down in tears, severe anxiety or unable to function afterwards because the telling was so traumatic.
Writing has been very therapeutic for me. It has been an effective tool for my own healing. I feel like I’m writing a good friend, which is me. You can write yourself anything you want, exactly like in the reading where you can go on any adventure you choose. Hehe. I have not written much lately which I realize I was missing very much. I miss the daily visits with getting thoughts out of my head onto paper or the computer screen. It’s one of the ways I connect to myself like in meditation or going on a long walk.
I’m a very deep thinker and introspective. I think about life, people, and the state of the world. I think about heavy topics, my family, and how to make a difference in the world. I think about things that are important to me, but don’t we all? The most important thing I want to say in this post is that people want to be seen, they want to be witnessed and heard; it is a common trait in humanity, especially in children. If you don’t get this as a child, you grow up feeling invalidated and having an inferiority complex that needs years of therapy to heal! This is at the heart of why I learned to love myself. I learned to read, write, witness others and myself. I learned to give myself my own ear, my own heart and my own time. I learned to speak about it, write about it, and heal myself.
Today, I share my stories, not because I want to be witnessed but to uplift someone else. I share to bring light upon a subject or raise awareness. I share because it might help someone get a different perspective. I share to heal because I’ve been there. I share to let others know it’s okay to talk about it. I share to inspire and give hope. It’s okay to be open and vulnerable. I share because I can. I share because I care. Remember, love yourself always!