Tag Archives: Peace

Looking Within

It’s not always easy to look within. Sometimes I would rather not see or know what is hidden deep within, but I have a natural introspective and curiosity bent. A few years ago, I began a regular meditation practice because I wanted relief from anxiety and peace of mind. I got a whole lot more! I realized the areas of my life where I was faltering, I saw where I could improve but most importantly I learned acceptance. Prior to this, I was just angry, depressed, and confused. I blamed my parents for my f**ked up life. I blamed the cards I had been dealt. I blamed the people who had hurt me. I blamed everyone for the direction of my life and could not see a way out the darkness and confusion. I had no idea that I held the key to my own happiness. I didn’t know I could choose my own destiny. I thought I would just spend the rest of my life coping, struggling and surviving rather than thriving and living life to the fullest by my own will.

I realize not everyone is willing to look within. If I looked at just the external circumstances of my life, everything looked rather bleak. I was just a bad person with bad karma, and nobody loved me or cared about me. Yet, taking a peek on the inside of me, seeing that my heart hurt, yet had a lot of love to give was a bit of a shock. I could hardly believe that inside of me was a wounded little girl in need of love, acceptance, and compassion. This was a good starting point for me to turn my life around. It was a nice starting point to see where things had gone wrong or I had come to believe I was unlovable, unworthy, and dejected. It was an excellent place to begin to love myself. The more I loved and accepted that little girl, the more my love expanded to all of me, and the more I began to heal all the broken places within.

I’m very thankful I had the courage to look within. From outward appearances, I thought I would see just a dark and lifeless soul, but instead I met the loving, peaceful, and radiant woman I’ve become today. I had to go deep within to bring her out though. It’s not for the faint of heart, but it’s a beautiful gift to give to yourself, the gift of your true self. Look within, you’ll see the light that’s been hidden, you’ll find the true person under neath to accept, love and embrace. This is the person before you were wounded, the one before you were given a label, before you put on the masks, the one before you were told who you are supposed to be or how to look, your true essence of self. I always love and accept myself now.

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Being Sensitive

Years ago, I went to see a psychiatrist because the dentist required it. I wasn’t taking psychotropics but I had honestly answered on the dentists questionnaire that I had been a psychiatric patient in the past. This sent red flags to them! I had to find a psychiatrist to see me to get clearance because my mouth was in pain and needed some dental work. I had to wait a couple of weeks since not many psychiatrists have immediate openings. Yes, I was angry but I was patient and understanding.

So there I was sitting across from the psychiatrist. I told her my story of all the medications I took in the past, the diagnoses I had, and how I was healed and no longer needing the medications. I told her I just needed a note to clear me for the dentist. Her comment to me was that I had many facial expressions! She said I was a bit animated. I was a bit puzzled by it. Was it a good thing?? I remember being on medication though, and being very much like a zombie! She said I didn’t look like I needed medications. She asked me if I felt like I needed them, and I told her I did not. She concurred and gave me the Doctor’s note.
Looking back on that moment, of being told I was animated or had many facial expressions makes me laugh out loud. Hehe. I’ve never actually had a poker face. For a long time, I did look very sad, angry and depressed. I remember a friend told me, “if looks could kill”. She said until she got to know me as the sweet wonderful woman that I am, she didn’t know because of my face!
This brings me to the topic of being sensitive. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. When I’m sad, I cry. When I am angry, I look angry, I might raise my voice or pout a bit. I have trouble expressing anger though. When I’m happy, you can just tell I’ve got a glow, smile and laugh. I have so many feelings and emotions which for a long time I hid from them. The medication numbed them which made it very easy to not have to deal with life. However, the fact of matter is that you must feel to heal. Let me repeat that, you must feel to heal!\

I now have a wide range of emotions which I allow myself to feel. I do not hide my tears. I cry easily. I see something sad, I cry. Sometimes, I cry out of joy and happiness! You really have to ask me sometimes if you’re not sure! But sensitive people will grieve for a very long time. A heart break, a sharp word, criticism, condemnation or anything will bring on sad tears.
For a very long time in my life, I didn’t know what was going on. I had so much love and compassion in my heart and these intense feelings. I thought I was going crazy. Or I’d see an injustice and I would get sad and mad, and would want to do something about it, but my voice, I had no voice. I was scared more than anything. How do I explain being sensitive without sounding crazy?
Many people are very sensitive and the people around them are not aware of it. They don’t understand that a gentle correction is more efficient and powerful than yelling, screaming and hollering. Yet, even the sensitive person may not understand what’s happening for them because it seems so out of the ordinary. People tell you to suck it up, grow some skin, or get a back bone. You feel like a little child inside and then people treat you like one as if something is wrong with you, but there isn’t!
There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. There is nothing wrong with seeing something sad and having compassion and feeling deeply about it. This is not a reason for a padded room, medication or shock treatment. It’s a very delicate situation that requires understanding, patience, lots of love and compassion. Yes, sometimes someone might need psychiatric or professional help when it gets bigger than one can manage. However, I suspect sometimes it gets big because we’re told to shut it down, to show no tears, no fear, nothing! Don’t let them see you “weak”.
I feel like it is a grave disservice to people who feel things deeply to be treated as if they’re crazy. Sensitive people don’t have thick skin. It’s not easy to just move on.  Crying is a sign of strength! It’s pure strength to feel so deeply and yet to get up everyday and face the world of people who have put on thick skin or wear masks to face the day. Tears are releasing of all the pain, frustration or sadness. A good cry is a healing balm for the soul. Holding them in is actually does more harm than good and builds up toxic feelings inside. Next thing you know there’s an explosion of feelings or maybe the person can seem to have gone postal or sometimes shut down everything; Or privately cry inside and unable to share the pain with anyone.
The world right now is need of gentler and sensitive people. Sensitive people do not need to adapt, it’s the world who needs to adjust how they treat one another or someone who’s just having an off day. There are times when I stop to think about my life, my direction, what I’m doing and whether it is meaning to me, whether it’s really my passion and lines up with my core beliefs. I really do stop, meditate, ponder and contemplate the state of my life and the world because love, compassion and peace starts with me. When you see me, however I present myself to the world, know that this is me! It’s really me! I’m not wearing a mask and not hiding from my feelings. It’s me and I’m a sensitive soul.

Peaceful meditation

When I first began to meditate, I was just curious about all the hoopla about it. So many people talked about the wonders of it, I felt like I was missing out! I had to find out! I wondered if it could really help me be more at peace with myself. I certainly wanted a lot more peace. I wanted to know if it would help me to sleep at night. I wanted to know if I could really shut down all the anxiety producing thoughts that were constantly running through my mind. The very first time, I concentrated on an LED light and I ended up falling asleep. I did it again and again. At the time, I had extreme anxiety and PTSD. I had inside and outer voices going on. I was coming out of a major depressive disorder. It worked wonders.

At some point, I was able to stay awake during the meditation time. When I’m awake while meditating, I am able to just observe my thoughts without judgment. I can see what is capable of changing. I see my knee jerk reactions, my sorrow, my happiness, and joy. I accept them all. Being in a meditative state brings about clarity. It’s calmness in the storm. It’s looking at life from a bird’s eye view and knowing it’s going to be okay. It’s letting go of all the “I have to”, “I need to”, and “I should”. It’s allowing life to happen at a natural flow. It’s going with the flow. It’s knowing what I can control, which is me, and what I can’t. Meditation has helped me to face my feelings. It has helped me to look at them and understand where they come from.

In the early days of learning to meditate, I was able to forgive lots of people, including myself. I let go of all the anger and unforgiveness by forgiving those who hurt me. I also forgave myself for those I hurt. I let others off the hook and I let myself off the hook. It’s a win-win situation. I let go of feeling guilt and shame for my past transgressions. I allowed forgiveness into my heart. It’s as easy as that! It doesn’t have to be hard or difficult.

I let go of the fear of what’s going to happen in the future. I accept that there are many unknowns and deal with what’s right in front of me. I can plan and take steps towards the future I desire, but I don’t have to have all the details worked out. I work with what’s available to me at this time while knowing and believing it’s all going to work out. If it doesn’t work out the way I planned, it’s okay. I’ll do something different! It’s okay to not have all the answers or have everything figured out. I’m at peace with myself and the world. I choose peace. I choose to be a peacemaker. I choose to live with the people in my life to the best of my ability with peace and love in my heart. I do what I can each day, then I go to bed in peace, knowing I did my best, and will carry on the next day.

I’ve made meditation a regular part of my life now. It is my number one stress reliever. It doesn’t take a lot of time. Sometimes, it’s just taking a deep breath in, and exhaling. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. I can do it anywhere and anytime. I used to hear people say, “peace is just a breath away”, now I know what it means!  I breathe in peace, exhale stress!  Meditation is healing for the mind and body!

Government bullying

This morning, sitting around the kitchen table, we were all discussing the silly laws our government has created. Not too long ago, a guest, from out of state, was fined for falling asleep at the bus stop! There are serious abuses of power within the government, who believes what they’re doing is to serve and protect. However, some of the very laws created to protect one group of people ends up hurting another.

We all have numerous examples of government bullying. Laws were created to establish order and keep people safe, yet all too often, ordinary human behavior becomes defined as criminal activity. An organization wanted to feed the homeless at a park but were fined because they didn’t have the proper permits. It’s a very sad state. Why doesn’t the government feed the people, then? They have the permission to give the permits, then they should do it, right? I’m not here to bash the government or to rile up anyone, but we do need revolution.

We shouldn’t have to jump through government hoops to feed people. I believe people have also become too dependent upon the government for help and direction. Everyday citizens can lend a hand to someone in need. We live in this great country of abundance and yet so many are barely getting by. In my own case, many times, I’ve been afraid to ask anyone for help. I was afraid of being judged, or turned down. I didn’t risk asking for help, and then the government had to step in to take care of me. The government may have programs to help people, but it’s the compassion from our neighbors, or family that makes a huge difference.

I believe we all want the same thing. We want to live in peace, safety, and harmony with everyone. We want a safe place to live, jobs, and healthy food to eat. We want what the constitution offers which is life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. However, everyone has different ideas of what that means for them and how to accomplish it. Therefore, if we want to see change, we each must get involved in changing the way the government operates. We are the government because we elect those in power.

Call or send your letters of concern to your representatives. And while we’re at it, let’s write them about what they’re doing right as well as what can be improved upon or needs a major overhaul. Let’s thank them for their service. Appreciation for the little things go a very long way. Be the change. We are all responsible for our lives, and our future, take back your power, and speak up for what is right, decent, and humane. Love and peace.

Fear and Bullies

When I was little girl, I was afraid to let my foot hang over the edge of the bed. I was afraid of whatever was under the bed would reach up and grab it and drag me under. I was also afraid to go in the closet at night and I slept with the light on. I didn’t like seeing any dark shadows! As an adult now, I can see how fears can grab hold of me and take me under! It makes me afraid to speak up or to let myself be seen. Lately, the theme of overcoming fears has been coming up a lot. Fears of the unknown needs to be illuminated. I’m not saying there are no real dangers out in the world, I’m just talking of the unknown ones. Nowadays, if I’m afraid of what’s in the closet, I’ll go in there and make friends with it. I go in there, turn on the light and see that there is no monster!! I turn off the light and see there is nothing there. The monster was all in my mind. I created it with my fearful thoughts. If there is anything I’m afraid of, I go find out what it is. I make peace with it and “it” really is just fearful thoughts that try to get the best of me. I encourage each one to not be paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. If something or some place is dark, turn on the light. Illuminate it and see it for what it really is. Don’t be bullied by fear of the unknown.

Speaking of bullies, that’s exactly what they do, they instill fear and terror in their victims. I recently saw a movie about bullies. It helped inspire this blog post. I had my share of bullies growing up. Many kids are teased and picked on for being different. They are made fun of if you have a disability, too short, too tall, too round, too thin, too smart or not smart enough. The list goes on and on. I was a sensitive child.  I had many fears of the unknown but many of them were based on actual monsters in the form of a bully. When people are made fun of because they’re different it hurts to the core and a person can develop all kinds of fears, withdraw from society, have an inferiority complex, depression, anxiety and on it goes.

I was very sad and lonely as a child. I cried a lot and I felt everything deeply. I still feel everything deeply. Some of us are hardwired that way. Some people said I was too shy, too thin skinned or needed to toughen up. Yes, the world can be a harsh and cruel place to live in but I don’t believe becoming hardened is the answer. No, because there are so many people in this world who are different. There are no two people alike. We all have strengths and weaknesses. No one needs to be ashamed of themselves for being different and not fitting in with the “normal” crowd. I would submit that the world is what needs to change. Those who are different don’t need to adapt but the world needs to adapt to them. The world can learn to be kinder, gentler, accepting and loving to those who are different or tenderhearted. The world can learn to be at peace and accept everyone and live at peace with all peoples. It all starts from within. It starts with our hearts and accepting those who don’t look like you, talk like you, act like you, or think like you do. No more bullies!!!